I love this time of year at the gym. It's so crowded with people setting the same goal they set last year when they were fat. Don't get me wrong, I've done it, and am doing it, but I'm not at the gym. I'm just assuming it's the same as it is every year. I'm just too busy to work out, or maybe I'll start tomorrow...This year will be different, right?
I have a goal of finishing, self-publishing, and then selling my idiom book for the Christmas season 2011. Sounds great. But last year I said I'd stop masturbating to youtube videos of Walleye spawning and it's on the resolution list again this year. I don't know why either-- some things you just have to shrug your shoulders about and shamelessly move along.
Putting a label like "resolution" on something, and then telling people about it just makes it more concrete and hurts more when you fail. I think your resolutions should be private so that when you do slip, nobody knows but you-- victimless crime. I should have held that fish one a little closer to my vest, but maybe this is the year. So I'm not putting together a resolution list. I'm just going to brain dump some things I think I'd feel pretty good about completing. This time next year, I'll review the list, realize my rate of failure increases with my weight and age and then I'll just "shamelessly move along".
- I'd like to write something and then sell that something for money. But I have realized that making people laugh is like a drug to me-- it feels fantabulous, lifts me up, and if I had more of it I could sell that. I think if I can get a self published book ("vanity press" for obvious reasons) and sell enough to cover the costs of making the book, I'd feel good.
- I'd like to lose 20 pounds. I don't want to find it again later. I don't want it moved from my ass to my stomach or from my face to my stomach. I just don't want it any more. I think I'll feel better if I look better. But this item requires work and I'm not really about that.
- I want my kids to think I'm cool. So I think sometime this year, I'll randomly pick a fight with a total stranger and put the beat down on him in front of my kids. I think they'll like that. Of course, the kids these days probably aren't calling it a "beat down", so that's not cool. And I'll most likely end up choked out on the side of road, pant-less with my keys shoved up my nose and my kids in the car laughing at me. Maybe I'll just buy them more toys.
- I think I should drink less alcohol. I didn't say I'd "like" to drink less alcohol, because that would be lying. Alcohol is a factor in some of my writing and my weight gain. Sometimes I write when I drink, sometimes I eat when I drink, and sometimes I "fish" when I drink. Bottom line is drinking alcohol is bad for me. "But red wine is good for your heart." You know what's also good for your heart? Continual motion, like pumping. I'm gonna go out on a limb now and say I fail this one by next year-- mostly because taking whiskey from a writer is like taking water from a Walleye: neither one of us is sexy any more.
