Disneyland Food Stuff

I pay $825.00 to get my family of five in to Disneyland every year. That’s just for five 3-day hopper passes on discount. We find hotel deals and cheap flights and we pack PB&J into the park to save money on food. We go at the same time each year and the crowds are light, the rides the same, and liquor is scarce…unless you check our backpack and/or my liver. My legs get tired; my feet sore, and after a few hours I’m scowling because it’s what my face does best when it’s mad at me. This year I got a tip from a co-worker to “Go eat a turkey-leg.” I did, and it was tasty, expensive, and very creepy.

For 2% of the cost for us to enter the park, I can get two turkey legs just outside the entrance to “Big Thunder Mountain Railroad”, carry it about 100 yards and then eat it right in front of the live turkey that Barrack Obama pardoned the day before Thanksgiving in 2009…

Look at my oldest son’s face! He’s disgusted, full, and really doesn’t have a clue what he’s eating. He love’s animals and in about 10 minutes he’s going to be standing in front of that bird at the fence with me and if you ask him, he’ll lie to you and say he didn’t throw up in his mouth twice. The middle boy has fallen into a coma-stare into Frontierland because I was force feeding him bird like a little bird. I’m there…trying to look cool for the high school chicks in the background- Clearly, the cute ones are into me.

            It took us a while to get half of the leg down, so we got up and started heading toward Fantasyland (which might be some people’s fantasy, but I’m tired of getting slapped for expressing my fantasies to cast members… Like my inquiry here to “Pocahontas” which was just a cute little joke my dad used to say by calling her “Poke-A-Hiney”):

CRAP, WRONG PICTURE…. This one is better:

At this point I’ve had quite a bit of turkey and that much throws me off track pretty easily. Ok, so we made it past the petting zoo—which in itself is a silly Disneyland attraction. The goat movements in there are more restricted than the animatronics Abraham Lincoln. In fact, here’s proof—my 5 year old wanted an autograph from one because he thought it was a cast member:

Ok, finally back to the turkey which really isn’t even a story. Here’s a shot of that turkey watching me eat one of his friend’s legs:

It’s a little disgusting, I get that, but I don’t think he really cares. He just paces around looking for a way out… Sort of how I’m going through life. So, this turkey and I, we have a lot in common: he has monocular vision and I want a monocle, he has a turkey leg and I have a turkey leg, he has a read head…, I could go on but maybe I should get to the point, and this isn’t it but; Here’s a picture of Mickey Mouse with a turkey, enjoy, it’s free:

They don’t have anything in common other than a tail…? Is that right? Turkey tail? Whatever, they really don’t go well together. I’m pretty sure I look cool standing against this railing gnawing on a leg while having my own introspective about this bird in my hand, behind the fence, and in my belly. But I kept wondering about how this “theme park” has sort of missed the boat with serving turkey legs while also promoting a live turkey that has both of its legs.

I wondered why they didn’t serve giant 6’ mouse legs. I think that would be awkward, too, because the leg would be 3’ long and hard to wield, but a mouse leg would be a proper theme in a mouse theme park.  If they decided to use real mouse food, then you’d just have tiny little meatless legs- like eating baked hay. So it got me thinking that they should consider rebranding the existing turkey legs as “Mouse Meat”. I’d buy it, and I’d feel better about doing it. ‘Cause right now, with Odin upchucking turkey spittle at the bird that is clearly not upset about what we’re doing, I’m feeling a little guilty. So I made myself feel better and told the bird, “You taste like chicken.”

And still, I have no point. But what I am trying to get at is that I’m an all in or nothing type of guy—If you’re going to serve turkey legs, have a turkey character walking the park signing autographs, call him, “Turkalishous”. But I don’t think Disneyland should stop there. Do it all!  They could market foods like they do everything else: as a theme. Here’s my list of suggested delights to serve at the Happiest Place on Earth(unless you’re a turkey)

• Pluto’s Puppy Feet biscuits
• Goofy’s Goobers (gummy boogers)
• Minnie Mouse’s clam chowder (ewww)
• Daisy Duck’s D-cups of Jello
• Chip n Dale’s (that’s it, just two squirrels on sticks)
• Winnie the Pooh poo (chocolate nuggets with creamy honey centers)
• Donald Duck’s Ding Dong (Hostess Ding Dongs shaped like Ducks, or ding dongs)
• Donald Duck’s Ding Dong (corn dog with duck sauce on it -- for dipping)
• Brer Rabbit rabbit (it’s just rabbit meat—same as the stuff you’re eating now when you think you’re ordering teriyaki chicken)
• Beauty and the Beast (this would be a hidden item combination, like the secret ordering at In-N-Out Burger—Beauty and the Beast is a Donald Duck’s Ding Dong in Minnie Mouse’s clam chowder)
• Peter Pan (Yep, it’s a peter, in a pan)
• Piglet’s (bacon flavored bacon)
• Dumbo Gumbo (that was easy – elephant stew)
• Dumbo Elephant Ears (don’t they have these in Puyallup?)
• Tigger Tails (curly fries, painted orange and black, with lead based paint)
• Tinker Bell Trollop (A dollop of vanilla ice cream on her skirt of leafy green lettuce)
• Pinocchio Polish Dogs (Polish hot dogs in a plastic tray that has a computer chip with an audio codec that senses lying and then injects water into the wiener causing it to plump and grow a little bit each time. So when you say something like, “This wiener’s smaller than my wiener.” It’ll punch its way off the tray.)
• Mary Poppins Popcorn (popped kernels of corn—or maize)
• Cinderella Cigarettes (I’m bringin’ ‘em back – little puffs of dust on a candy cigarette? What’s not adorable about Cinderella blowing smoke rings in her evil mother and sisters faces?)

I know that’s disgusting and outside the box for Disney, I doubt we’ll ever see some of those above. But I can’t help thinking how wrong it is for me to be choking down a turkey leg in front of a turkey. I’m not a vegetarian—my stance is that if God didn’t want us eating animals then why did he make them out of delicious meat? But I’m pretty certain if I saw a fat dude in a tie-dyed shirt eating a human leg on the other side of a fence that I’m too dumb to get out of, I’d feel a bit insecure and I’d try killing myself by looking up while it’s raining.

            We had fun at Disneyland, and I’ll probably write something about our one day jaunt down to Legoland but I’m waiting for a response to my complaint letter before tearing them a new plastic asshole.

Comments always welcome – even mean ones.